I am DESPERATE! Please help me come up with a headline for my newspaper article!?

Question by : I am DESPERATE! Please help me come up with a headline for my newspaper article!?
So I write for my school’s newspaper, and I write for the Rear End, which is similar to the Onion. And my story is about our dean getting a marijuana addiction because he sniffed students hands. Help me come up with a headline please!! But it CANNOT explicitly say the dean is high – it can only hint at it.

Recently East High has been looking more a like an airport than a school; students were being shoved by security guards into lines that started at the entrance of the school and wound all the way down the Esplanade. Students expressed frustration as the lines grew longer and they were late to class, only to be blamed by those who established the lines.
“I finally reached the front of the line and Dean Anderson greeted me stuttering,” said senior, Livy High. Livy described Dean Anderson’s appearance as unkempt. “His curls rose up in every direction. His eyes were in a daze and looked like puffy red balls, and when I say balls, and I mean messed up, bloodshot ‘golf ‘ balls.” Livy begins to speak more passionately, “And the smell – gross! He probably hasn’t showered for weeks.”
“Then he began sniff my hand and to inhale vigorously. A devious grin spread across his face, and then a security guard dragged me into the menacing room 128,” Livy ranted.
Four hours and 20 minutes later after under and upper classman’s hand had been thoroughly sniffed, approximately half the school joined Livy and the other accused “druggies”. Among the accused was sophomore, Noah Sohbur. “When Dean Anderson came in,” Noah recalled, “ his Baton Rouge dialect was barely audible, when he said ‘yeah, you’s can go.’ ”
The Dean took a whiff of their hands while the group left. “No one was in trouble,” Noah, said, beaming with satisfaction “in fact each pothead was rewarded with missing class; I did not even have to take my geometry test!”
According to Noah, Dean Anderson has undergone even more radical changes, “The day after, he arrived wearing bell bottom jeans with green stains – I thought those were for hippie chicks. He wore a bandana too, which apparently violatined the dress code.” Even Dean Anderson’s regard for rules has changed. “Ms. Miles went berzerko on him for the dress code infraction; his responded by telling her to ‘cool it’”.
“I knew there was something peculiar going on,” Principle Younquist remarked. “I was delivering some files to his office and when I entered, it was covered in lava lamps, and psychedelic murals were on the walls.” Pandora was left on, and Mr. Youngquist described the music as “definitely Woodstock.”
“He was not in the office, but I saw him outside of his window,” Mr. Younquist monotonically said, “and he was chanting and bowing down to a half dead tree.”
Later that week, Dean Anderson was caught in the attempt to sell back students’ bongs, which had been confiscated from their lockers in previous weeks. “He was the music of my life,” Freshman Imma B. Laze wept from failure to retain her bong Stonetana.
With a heavy sigh, Principle Younquist said, “When I heard about the bong incident, I realized that Dean Anderson had a marijuana addiction.” He immediately implemented a new school policy, forcing all students to stick their fingers up anyone’s nose who tried to sniff their hands. He also sent Dean Anderson to a drug addiction rehabilitation facility, and cannot wait for him to rejoin the “East High hands free community.”
The answer so far has been great, but I am not allowed to explicitly say he has an addiction in the headline.
Hand sniffing is not a way to get high. At my high school we have a serious marijuana problem, and the deans smell people’s hands to try to see if they were smoking weed.

Best answer:

Answer by Alpha Beta
Professor Fingered in Marijuana Addiction

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