Is it normal to have violent thoughts?
Question by : Is it normal to have violent thoughts?
Maybe there just isn’t enough love in my life, but I have frequent violent thoughts, starting from sometime in or before elementary school. My childhood was filled with emotional and physical abuse along with neglect. I strongly suspect that my dad has a borderline personality. I am 100% sure he’s at least a workaholic and from what I can gather from family, he made my mom pretty crazy to the point that she tried to drug herself to death during a heated argument with my dad. My brothers and I were in the car and I clearly remember watching her fade out of consciousness. I was also in the back seat when my mom was driving and arguing with her sister and slowly veered left while looking at her so that the car collided with a fire hydrant, flipped and we landed upside down. I and my aunt were the least injured so I watched my mom being pulled out of the wreck while unconscious. Ever since then, I’ve always been fascinated with suicide and bloodlust, though I would never and will never act on those thoughts as long as I am emotionally stable.
I’m pretty thick-skinned on the exterior, but inside are stifled, excruciatingly well-thought-out murderous and suicidal thoughts along with unbearable emotional torment and I have a hard time focusing on positive aspects of the people in my life. The trick is that fairly insignificant events can bring out extreme emotions in me, especially negative ones. I tend to shy away from the people I love to the point that I spent a lot of time alone in my apartment last year, my second year in college, during which time I was able to fully comprehend how unhappy I am with the conditions of my existence, realizing that death was a feasible escape from all of it. My grades dropped steadily throughout this time, which was a real ego-killer, as I slowly lost the good habits I had before, being relatively void of human attention. I literally felt like nothing throughout this time and was rarely able to concentrate on my studies to completion.
I have always had great grades (A’s and B’s. Anything less would get me a violent lecture and possible physical punishment). Homework and reading were my escapes from my environment up through high school. My teachers were a source of unconditional care and attention, which I learned to cherish. During high school and junior high I picked up smoking cigarettes. My dad smoked literally in the car with me inside and around me all the time, especially when I was working at the Oakland Flea Market or at one of our failing small businesses in San Francisco with him from a young age, where I witnessed plenty of drunken and gang violence.
I was bullied during junior high. However, I was usually bullied in class and ignored by a teacher the one time I sought help without fear of retribution.
I did much better in high school, socially and academically. I played a little football, but I quit senior year because my parents were in the habit of constantly pushing their parental responsibilities over my younger sister and over my 2 younger brother onto me.
As I entered college, I welcomed the fact that my roommate sold weed, as weed enables me to temporarily forget my past and become blissful and ignorant and stupid, though the thoughts and memories always come back, sometimes stronger. I did the same academically in my freshman year as I did in high school, even though I started smoking weed daily from the beginning. My grades didn’t drop until I was alone, during my second year in college. I would like to add that my overbearing father and uncles convinced me to live alone that year, just as they had convinced me not to enter the military after high school because I was accepted to plenty of UC’s including Davis, where I attend now. They used to ask me why I wanted to go to the military and I couldn’t bear to tell them that I was simply welcoming death, even though it was only in high school that my dad found a steady source of income in a successful small business.
I take risks too much. I used to drive like speed racer on highway 880 all over the bay, however, I was struck by a car from the left, the summer after my second year in college, this past summer, as I made a careless left turn on my bicycle. I got up right away, a bloody mess and successfully regained my usual thick-skinned composure, though my nose and upper right part of my forehead were filled with open gashes from the windshield I shattered with my face along with a gash on my knee. Let’s just say I made a commitment to be more careful on the road. I was also surprised by my ability to remain relatively cheerful while in excruciating pain as a UCDMed student stitched up my face. However, as soon as my caregivers left me alone, I was filled with loneliness and despair and tears. When they would come back in to stitch up my face I was cheerful again. It made one of the nurses cry.
Now, I’m taking a break this winter quarter. I plan to work o
* I plan to work on my study habits and study for MCATS, along with getting an internship for my major this coming winter quarter, because I won’t be taking classes. I also plan to work on my social life; pursuing a girl, visiting family and friends, etc. My fear is that the thoughts will stay, that none of my emotional state of being will change and that I will continue to have a tendency to hate and distrust while alone and be cheerful and happy with other people. Am I worrying over something I shouldn’t? Am I doing the right thing by pausing my education while I collect myself? Will collecting myself over this coming winter quarter work or am in desperate need of therapy?
Best answer:
Answer by Naguru
We should discourage not only violent thoughts, but also bad thoughts, poor thoughts, weak thoughts, unhealthy thoughts or evil thoughts or negative thoughts. Plan accordingly.
Answer by butrcupps
You have a LOT on your plate. You are in desperate need of therapy. Violent thoughts are not normal and are probably a result of bottling up everything you’ve been through. Seek a therapist and open up. I wish you well and hope that you get the treatment you need so you can lead a happy, fulfilled life.
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